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'I was so close to losing my son' Mother of bullied gay teen speaks outGalit Rodan Northern News Services Published Friday, November 4, 2011
Like most teenagers, Andrew sought acceptance by his peers. High school is a time of posturing and putting on airs, of jostling for position in the social pecking order, but Andrew was adamant about wanting to be accepted for who he really was.
Andrew was outspoken about his homosexuality and had come out on Facebook. He wore make-up to school and began to style his hair differently, said his mother Barbara.
"He's so brave and so outspoken and so strong," she said. "He was just kicked in the teeth because of it."
His honesty opened the floodgates to a torrent of bullying. He was picked on at school, online and through text messages, and was diagnosed with depression. Eventually, through dark notes and drawings in his room, through friends of Andrew's and friends who had children on Facebook, Barbara found out her son was having suicidal thoughts.
Andrew is still alive today but Barbara said the painful memories come flooding back each time she hears of the suicide of another gay teen.
"I was so close to losing my son," she said, her voice shaking.
Ottawa city councillor Allan Hubley and his wife Wendy Barber experienced every parent's nightmare when their 15-year-old son Jamie Hubley committed suicide Oct. 14. Like Andrew, Jamie had been open about his sexual orientation and had been bullied. He, too, lived with depression.
Barbara watched the newscast in tears.
Andrew graduated in June, four years after his high school torment began, but the emotions are still too fresh and he declined to be interviewed. Barbara, who endured her son's struggles alongside him, just wants to ensure better systems are in place to support the next child who is bullied. She is desperately afraid that it will take a suicide in the city to affect real change.
Barbara said her son had always been a "good kid" - an average student, home on time, never into drugs or alcohol - but then he stopped wanting to go to school. He developed migraines. He was angry all the time, cried at night and had difficulty sleeping.
Weeks after the bathroom incident, Andrew confided in his mother. When Barbara went to Sir John Franklin to report the incident, said she was surprised to find that the school was aware that her son was being bullied but had failed to notify her. Though one school official "looked shocked" when she was told about the beating, she ultimately told Barbara that the problem was too big, there were "too many bullies" and that Andrew would likely fare better in another school. Barbara said none of the girls were suspended or expelled and, as far as she knew, were not even reprimanded.
"It seemed easier to get rid of him than it was to fix the problem and that really pissed me off. It really, really did," she said.
Metro Huculak, superintendent of Yk Education District No. 1, said he was never informed of the incident and urged children and parents in similar situations to come forward.
Cutting class
Unbeknownst to his mother, Andrew had been cutting class.
"He was going off because he didn't want to be in school, and no one let me know," she said. "Until I got his report card and he had all these unexplained absences."
In December of 2007, Andrew admitted to his mother what so many others already knew. She sought support for him wherever she could find it - with their family doctor, counsellors, and some caring teachers at the school.
"There was a point when he was at Sir John where it was touch and go for about six months," she said.
At a loss, she herself sought guidance and went out of her way to make his home life as loving and accepting as possible. Still, his grades dropped and he nearly failed to move on to the next grade. From January to June, Andrew went to school about once a week and even that was a fight, said Barbara. For the remainder of the year, she and Andrew picked up his homework from teachers and friends and, when September came around, she enrolled him at St. Patrick High School.
Things improved at St. Pat's. A more stringent program helped insulate him from bullying while he was in school, said Barbara, but there were still incidents.
When he was in Grade 11, a group of classmates tailed him in a truck while he was out walking. Three boys jumped out of the truck, pushed him around on the sidewalk and threatened him.
Then, when Andrew was nominated for a St. Pat's Lamplighter award - a biannual award in recognition of individual spirit - someone in the audience seized the moment to share their intolerance.
"There goes the abomination," said the fellow student, making reference to the biblical descriptor of homosexuality, according to Barbara.
"And it wasn't loud but loud enough so that I could hear it," said Barbara. "It was two rows behind me. And (Andrew) heard it.
"It's not being gay that gives you issues with depression; it's the bullying that goes on around you and the constant criticism of who you are," she said.
In spite of everything, Andrew graduated from St. Pat's in June, though did not attend the ceremony. Andrew is happier these days, said Barbara. He has something to hope for. He is moving to Ontario to attend college and, though Barbara is nervous, she is buoyed by Andrew's excitement.
For the past four years, she has tried with all her might to make sure her son was safe, that he didn't hurt himself.
"At the time my concern was more for was him and not really fighting the system, just kind of surviving it," she said. They have survived but survival is not good enough. Barbara wants to see changes to the system.
"I think there needs to be anti-bullying programs and kids need to know it's not alright," she said. "It needs to be safe for them to come forward."
Barbara said she would like there to be training for the teachers and more accountability on the part of the schools because there will inevitably be another Andrew but there should never be another tragic ending like Jamie's.
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