Fort Simpson (Oct 29/04) - Not all outhouses are created equal.

Anyone who stops at the junctions of Highways 1 and 3 will come across the Trump Tower of latrines. It's a solid and tidy structure with a large, black ventilation stack attached to it.

This is what might be described as the deluxe model of outhouses. Found near the junctions of Highways 1 and 3, it has an efficient ventilation system to keep foul odours to a minimum. - Derek Neary/NNSL photo

Its poorer, somewhat dilapidated cousins, found at pull-outs all along the Mackenzie Highway, have no ventilation stacks.

Why the disparity?

The Drum dispatched its crack investigative team to get to the bottom of this mystery. Well, only to the figurative bottom, not the literal one.

Tom Colosimo, South Slave facilities manager for parks and tourism, was the man who designed the Taj Mahal outhouse. When his phone rang Monday and the Drum inquired as to who's responsible for the facility, Colosimo braced himself for another complaint about sanitary conditions. It seems no matter how nicely public toilets are built, some thoughtless people simply refuse to keep them clean.

When Colosimo was informed that the ventilation system was the point of interest, he opened up with enthusiasm. He said he adopted the design from a Parks Canada outhouse he'd seen.

"I put a 12-inch tube there. We painted it black and put a whirlybird on it. The black heats up and it's a natural chimney," he explained. "We hope the smell is reduced a lot."

Older style outhouses, by code, only required a four-inch tube to ventilate them, but that doesn't work so well, Colosimo said.

"In the old days all the odour would come out and kill you, practically," he said.

But why stop there, Tom? Think of the innovations that could elevate the appeal of a solitary outhouse even more: satellite television, a pop machine, a mini-bar, or, better yet, heated toilet seats. He chuckled and said that the latter would put him on a pedestal in some people's eyes, but it didn't sound like he'd be ordering any butt-warming rims anytime soon.

Nevertheless, couldn't we at least expect those older outhouses to get equal ventilation?

Maybe sometime, says Bob Kelly, manager of public affairs for the Department of Transportation, which oversees the Mackenzie Highway rest stops.

"First off, of course our priority is the road itself," Kelly said, adding that a review process is under way for other "creature comforts."

So, dear motorists, the choice is yours. In the grips of winter, it doesn't much matter which style outhouse you choose because the cold weather diminishes the stench.

But come the spring thaw, the question you might keep in mind while driving is, "How long can I hold it?"