Yellowknife (Mar 24/03) - It's true that breaking up is hard to do, but when children are involved a parent's decision to dissolve a relationship is often followed by years of turmoil.

Children whose parents split up are often shocked to hear the news. Parents should always let the children know that the break up was not their fault, according to Cathy Short, an early childhood intervention worker. - Merle Robillard/NNSL photo

Rayna packed her husband Bob's bags and tossed him out of her home four years ago. Her 16-year-old son encouraged Rayna to do it, but at the age of 12, her daughter didn't take it so well.

"She was younger and probably wasn't as aware of the situation as my son. My son was actually the one who told me to end the marriage.

"After I kicked him out I sat them at the table and told them and there really wasn't much reaction from either one. And my son said, 'Well, I told you before, mom, it's about time. He was never here.' But (my daughter) just said, 'Whatever.' "

Bob's alcohol abuse was taking its toll on the family and Rayna and her son were fed up. But her daughter just didn't understand why her dad couldn't stay with them anymore.

"A few months into it (the separation) she missed him, and even four years later she still has the romantic idea that someday her mom and dad will get back together."

Rayna's daughter didn't rebel against her, as children of divorced parents often do. But the past four years have been tough on the two children. Their father doesn't want anything to do with them.

"He wouldn't have contact with the kids. He was always drinking, drinking, drinking. And even the relationship to this day is not very good with either one of them."

"Was it hard? It was. But I didn't make any excuses for him. He had full access to them but he just didn't want it. He didn't want the responsibility."

Her daughter phoned at Christmas and "he wasn't there and he didn't return the phone call for a couple of days and I know that hurt her."

To make matters even worse, Bob decided to do his best to make life miserable for Rayna. Right now he pays child support, but at first he refused. That meant tough financial times for the whole family.

"He made it very bad for me. Extremely bad. Very, very bad.

"There was one day we had an empty fridge, empty freezer and empty cupboards and I didn't know where supper was coming from," she said.

Sharing custody

Ryan didn't have it quite as bad as Rayna, but the breakup of his marriage to Isabelle was no picnic.

His son and daughter were five and six years old when the separation occurred. At first he had sole custody of the kids.

"She decided she wanted to leave and she left, and I think she knew where the children were better off," said Ryan. It was difficult on the children. Ryan said they had a very loving relationship with their mother.

"Children are very resilient. At first it was a little tough, but now it certainly gets easier as time goes on.

"We explained that it wasn't their fault and they handled it well," he said.

Ryan and Isabelle now share custody of the children, who are now nine and 10.

They spend every second weekend with their mother.

Both parents have since committed to other people since the divorce. Their children were ring-bearer and flower girl at both weddings.

"The kids are fine with it. Her partner was my best friend, but that's another story. We won't even go there," laughed Ryan.

Trusting again

As for Rayna, it was a long time before she let herself get involved with another man.

"I have just, just, started seeing someone for the first time.

"I'm not sure I'm willing to trust yet, but I'm kind of having some fun. It's a pretty easy relationship at this point.

"And again, my son is fine with it, but my daughter is not so fine with it," she said.

Rayna had her new beau over for dinner recently. Her daughter became very irritated when Rayna interrupted a conversation to say a few words to the new man in her life.

"I think she is jealous and she still has the romantic idea of 'Maybe some day...' "

Let children know they are not to blame

Cathy Short, an early childhood intervention worker, said she often sees troubled children who are struggling with the separation of their parents.

She said children often feel they are to blame for the divorce.

"Parents have to be honest with them. It's very important to let the child know that it's not their fault and encourage them to talk about their feelings.

"The most painful event is not knowing what is happening.

"Children are initially shocked and surprised by the separation ... so parents have to let them know that they still love the child and that they have nothing to do with the problems they are having," she said.