Men talking about addiction
Northern News Services
The following work is based on the words shared in a Men's Talking Circle in October 2000. It is based on the question: Where does my addiction come from? Although each of the participants has consented to allowing their words shared as one voice to the greater public, they have chosen to remain anonymous. The Circle is facilitated by Terry Garchinski and Greg Krivda of Life Works Counselling Services in Yellowknife, NWT:
I experimented. I tried it out. Friends introduced it to me. It was the only exciting thing we did as teenagers. Things really started getting worse when I moved into town.
I wanted to fit in with the crowd. There was peer pressure. I wanted to be accepted. I hung around people who used. When others used, I joined them. I joined the crowd. I sure looked forward to partying with the girls and to be around friends. The crowd I hung around with used. We thought the same way.
Physically, I crave it, I desire it. I like the smell. I like the taste. I like the high, the buzz, the rush, the risk, the beating the odds. I want it. I want it now!
I live a lie. I live in denial. I lie to myself and to everyone else but the only one that is fooled is me. I make excuses. I blame others. I hide the truth. I put on a mask and hide from myself. I don't think about how when I acted out my addiction, I hurt myself and others. I hold secrets.
I want what other people have. I am full of envy. I am jealous. I borrow money to get what I can't afford.
I put myself down. I am weak. I feel bad for myself. I have an impediment. I am not good enough. Nobody loves me. Nobody cares about me. I feel that all my life others have put me down. I have low self-esteem. I blame myself for damn near everything bad in this world.
I feel so much hurt and pain. I want to run. I want to bury it. It is overwhelming and unbearable. I want to escape. I have been abused in every terrible way imaginable. I have been abusive to myself and to those closest to me. My addiction has helped me to survive the most abusive times but now it is killing me.
There are some things that I was born with that can lead me to choose to act out my addiction:
Compared to most other people, it seems like my body is naturally more vulnerable to the negative affects of alcohol, solvents and drugs. The first time I used, I knew I was addicted. My parents were alcoholics; it runs in my family. My family and my community are caught in a cycle of addiction and I was born into this cycle. I carry the unresolved hurt and pain of my parents and grandparents. I carry their unspoken secrets. It seems like there is an evil voice within me telling me to use. Sometimes, I think I was born to drink. I, in turn, have passed these things on to my children.
Hi. I am an addict. I give my power away to alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex and a whole lot of other things too.
I can choose to act out my addiction and I can choose not to act it out. I am responsible for my choices.
There is a tangled web of things that can lead me to choose addiction. The better I understand these things, the more aware of the decisions I make and how I set myself up to fall back into an addictive pattern and give my power away. The better I understand these things, the better I can choose not to act out my addiction.
My family members have problems.
I get involved in bad relationships.
I listen to the music of George Jones.
I was acting out my addiction when I chose to commit the crimes that got me time in the federal penitentiary. I am addicted to the institutional lifestyle: I am used to the system taking care of me.
I was forced to go to residential school and they tried to make me into someone that I am not. I continue to struggle to understand who I really am now!
I am burning out. I am tired of living like this.
I have come to a place of decision. I can give my power away and act out my addiction and repeat this stuff all over again or I can make another choice.
I can choose to hold on to my power and use it responsibly to deal with my life and all the stuff that I have been talking about.
I can choose my own road and not allow anyone or anything to choose it for me.
Knowing and sharing truthfully about my life, is the first step. Acting on it is my daily challenge.
I need support and validation. I can not do it alone.
I have lost so much, through suicides, accidents or by pushing others away when I act out my addiction. I have lost my children, my wife, my freedom, my hope, my self respect. I have lost my self.
I don't want to deal with it. I avoid problems. I expect others to make things better. I run away. I don't take responsibility for my own stuff. I carry secrets. My stress continues to increase.
I have financial struggles. I am poor. When I do have money, I feel I have to spend it right away. I don't plan ahead. I don't know how to budget.
I try to medicate my hurt and pain. I don't feel. I don't think. I don't talk. I don't speak for myself. I have lost my voice. I don't listen. I forget. I cope. I survive. I focus on something other than my hurt and pain. I cover up the hurt. I am so ashamed.
I am alone. My only friends are those I use with. It is a way of buying friends. When I take a 40 oz. to a dance: people follow the bottle. Whoever has the bottle has friends. I want to be popular. I am shy. I have no friends. No one understands me. I feel left out. I want to be accepted. I feel self pity. Loneliness is my best friend.
My addiction is now a habit. It has a life of its own. It pushes me around from the inside and from without. I feel powerless. I feel like I just cannot say no.
I use depending on my moods and emotions. Using helps me to manage my emotions. It helps to get out hard feelings. It helps to push my feelings down dep inside of me. I don't have to feel them. I feel scared. I feel angry. I feel powerless. I feel out of control. I feel sad. I grieve for all that I lost. I just want to feel happy. I feel stuck. I feel like a loser. I feel guilty. I feel so damn bad all the time.
There are other things that I experienced in my life that can lead me to choose to act out my addiction:
The way I was raised: My dad was the man; he was the boss; he had control and power over my mom and us kids, but not over his own addiction or his own life.
I grew up in an alcoholic home. I witnessed violence in my home. When I was little there were parties in my home where people drank, fought, passed out and had sex. My role models were addicts. I was taught to be an addict. I was taught to be a victim. Giving my power away was taught to me.
It was socially acceptable where I grew up. It was normal and accepted. It was the social teaching of my family and my community. I saw it all around me all the time. I thought I needed a happy social life.
