Don't wipe away the tears
Children need to talk through their grief

Kirsten Larsen
Northern News Services

NNSL (Nov 30/98) - A child's unco-operative behaviour, bed wetting or even a child's tears are not normally thought to be the result of profound grief.

It is often thought that a child does not understand their surroundings and events in their lives enough to grieve. Child educators, parents and social workers in Fort Smith have acknowledged the depths to which children can grieve a divorce, death, loss of culture or any troubling loss and have requested a workshop focusing on the grieving process of children.

Delphine Elleze, a consultant and workshop facilitator, will speak at Aurora College in Fort Smith, Dec. 3, about the importance of acknowledging children's grief and helping them cope through the process.

"There is a big demand for this because it is quite new," said Elleze. "I will be focusing on talking to parents, educators and social workers. Adults have difficulty finding the words to console children. They have difficulty talking about things they are not comfortable with. Adults have to be honest and learn to deal with their own grieving to be able to deal with a child."

Born and raised in Fort Providence, Elleze acquired a bachelor of education, as well as a bachelor of native studies, and taught elementary school in Fort Providence until she moved to Yellowknife.

She began attending seminars and workshops on subjects from parenting and anger management to suicide prevention and has acquired certification in more than 18 subjects from various workshops and institutions.

She began offering her consulting services to groups and individuals when she created her own home-based business in Yellowknife and has been travelling around the NWT speaking on many subjects.

"Speaking to people became my profession - it just evolved that way," said Elleze.

She advocates communication as a healing tool necessary to working through the grieving process. Elleze said adults and children experience the same process of grieving, which can come from a number of sources.

"Loss of cultural identity is a grief felt by many aboriginal," said Elleze.

"Even for me, I can't have a fluent conversation with my grandmother and I grieve for that and she grieves that she cannot connect with me."

Grieving is a long process and must be handled in a healthy, open and honest manner or the pain of grief will stay inside a person.

"If people don't deal with the process in a healthy way it can lead to many addictions," said Elleze. "Anything to stop the pain and cover it up."

Honesty and communication are most important when dealing with children in grief, and Elleze said adults must help children talk about their feelings and perceptions about the things that sadden them.

The recent death in Elleze's family reminded her of how difficult it is to discuss upsetting topics with children and involve them in the grieving process.

"I was bathing (my young relative) and I asked 'does your' and I stopped. 'Does your mother wash your hair?' and she stopped," said Elleze. "I asked 'Do you miss your mom?' and she said yes and I told her I missed her too."

Elleze said she hesitated bringing up the subject because she thought it would upset her cousin.

"I thought it would bring up a lot of feelings that would hurt her, and it does hurt, but we need to allow her to feel them."

A child has to understand the meaning of death before they can deal with the loss they feel.

"Be honest with them and use the word death and dead because that is the truth. There's nothing wrong with using (euphemisms), but it is important to use the words death and dead as well, otherwise, they won't really understand what death is."

Children often blame themselves for things that occur in their family and Elleze said it is crucial to get them to talk about their perceptions.

"The most important thing is to listen to them. Bring it out of them and find things to confirm how they feel. If they ask why someone died ask them why they think they died."