Tracy Kovalench
Northern News Services

NNSL (Jun 17/98) - He says you're beautiful, but your shirt is too tight. He introduces you to his friends and then accuses you of flirting.

He rapes you and sends flowers the next day. It wasn't always like this, you say. I love him. Things will be different tomorrow.

Unfortunately, in abusive situations, different usually means worse unless help is received.

Although men do experience abuse, women are usually the victims in violent relationships, says Yellowknife's Victim Services. Dating violence includes mental, verbal and emotional abuse, which can be followed by sexual or physical assault.

During their two years together, Helen's boyfriend never hit her ... with his fist.

"It was good in the beginning," she says, remembering the first two weeks they were together.

They met when she was 15. He was two years older, handsome and charming. He bought her flowers and jewelry and said he loved her. He had parties at his house every weekend and her friends became his.

In public, everything was perfect. It was behind closed doors that the abuse began.

Luke was unusually possessive. When they were apart, he needed to know where she was going, whom she was going with and why. He criticized her clothing and began calling her names.

"I knew who I was," says Helen, "But the worse it got, the lower my self-esteem went and I didn't know how to defend myself."

The first night they had sex, he drunkenly forced himself onto her. The next day he wouldn't look at her and refused to speak. Inside a card he wrote, "I was drunk. It shouldn't have happened."

After a three-month roller-coaster ride of abuse and apologies, Helen tried to end their relationship. Luke refused to let go.

He sent flowers and phoned persistently, promising change and eventually Helen agreed to go back. "When you're in that situation, you don't think," she says. "That was the way I thought love was."

The situation did change -‚ from bad to worse. Still drinking heavily, Luke escalated his attacks from verbal to pushing, then shoving and throwing heavy objects at her head.

He began to pick fights with her at school, in the mall and in front of his family. Unable to go to her friends and unwilling to talk to her parents, Helen felt trapped. She skipped school to avoid him at all costs.

"Everybody knew what was going on," she says. "But they didn't know how serious it was."

She tried to break it off, but he held a gun to her head, threatening to kill her, her family and himself. She thought there was nowhere to turn and trusted no one for help.

One evening, Helen was performing at a school variety show. Luke found her and picked a fight backstage. He slammed her against a school wall and was raising his hand to strike when two teachers walked around the corner.

After a quick intervention, they had both teens agree to seek professional help. Luke left town for a while and Helen started to see a counsellor.

With Luke gone, Helen saw "what life could be like without him." Her counsellor helped her focus on herself and she also met a woman who had survived a similar relationship. "Seeing her happy made me think I could do it, too."

Eventually Luke returned to Yellowknife. After spending a quiet evening with him, Helen went home and picked up the phone. When Luke answered she said in a calm, low voice, "I'm not going out with you any more. Don't call me again." Helen hung up the phone and unplugged the cord.

"I realized that none of it was my fault. It wasn't my problem, it never was."

Luke and Helen's names have been changed, but their story is real.

Victim Services urges anyone who experiences similar abuse -- mentally, physically or sexually -- to speak out.