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Christine Kay
Northern News Services
 Charlie Tobac says he has connected with his spiritual side by drumming after dealing with his victimization. - Christine Kay/NNSL photo |
"I remember feeling the shadow coming down the hallway and wondering where those footsteps would stop. I prayed it wouldn't be me," said Tobac.
Along with 27 other male victims, Tobac felt some form of relief from this fear on Friday as they received what many called validation. The Roman Catholic Church, along with the federal and territorial governments, apologized to the victims of abuse that took place at Grollier Hall residential school in Inuvik between 1959 and 1979.
"This is the best thing I've ever had to do in my life," said Shawn Tupper, acting director general of Indian residential school resolution issues for the Department of Indian Affairs and Northern Development.
"We're sorry for the heavy burden that you have had to carry with you for most of your lives. We're sorry to you who have had to struggle alone, away from your families and your community, away from your teachings and your grandparents. Away from your land and your traditions. We're sorry more than we can possibly say."
To Tobac, this apology was unexpected. He was at the residential school from 1960 to 1961 and then on and off until he just couldn't take it anymore. He says he couldn't concentrate and gave it up. After what happened, Tobac was too ashamed to even be seen in public. He thought he was the only one. The apology for Tobac was all about letting go.
"I've kept all these tears back for such a long time. I've been stubborn. These apologies were coming and they were coming in waves. This is something I never thought I would hear. We are allowed to talk about it now and that is a very powerful tool," said Tobac.
He dealt with his pain for a long time by drinking, and drinking a lot. He knew there was something really wrong when he started to getting violent. He described a loneliness that he had felt for a long time after the abuse and it was this loneliness that got to him in the end.
"I was passing on all these things to my spouse. I've done a lot of harm to her -- physically, verbally, emotionally. I don't know how but she stood by me all these years," explained Tobac.
But he's changed now he says. He's got dreams again, something he says was lost for a long time. He hopes to build a log cabin out on the land for his children and grandchildren. For him, this is an investment. It's for his future and his children.
Margaret McDonald also went to Grollier Hall but she was on the girls' side. She sat outside after the apologies. She sat by herself reflecting and glad to escape the emotions of the room she sat in for most of the morning.
She went to Grollier Hall and so did six of her brothers. She says it tore her family apart and even still she has a hard time understanding what happened. Her eyes are glistening, and her cigarette shakes in her hand. She described Grollier Hall as a spotless space to live where everything was neat and in order and everything had it's place.
"I remember the first year my brothers went to Grollier. When they came back the following summer my mom said she seen a change in them already. She knew something was wrong. She begged my dad not to send them back but he did. So I guess the abuse continued," said McDonald.
McDonald said that what happened at Grollier Hall tore her family apart. She says it made it dysfunctional and it's the reason she can't sustain a close relationship. She's never been married. One of her brothers still can't even look at his older brother without crying.
"It's because he always pictures Leonard in this room. He says he went to look for Leonard I think and the door was open just a crack. He has seen my brother standing there with blood running down his face. I don't know if his supervisor was trying to abuse him -- Leonard was fighting back," said McDonald.
She's glad she made it through the apologies. The apology recognizes the truth behind the stories of those who were abused at the hall.
"Sometimes you think just apologizing isn't enough but I really believe that people need to be validated. With the boys' side, they had gone to the upper management and told them what was going on. They were kind of shooed away and told not to say those bad things about good people. At least people recognize we are speaking the truth," said McDonald.
Still, she said that sometimes she stands there and everything just looks so overwhelming. She said that often it's just easier to go ahead and get drunk.
But she also said she thinks the resilience of human beings is amazing.
NWT Premier Stephen Kakwfi, and Rev. Jean Pochot of the Roman Catholic Church in Rae also extended their apologies. Gov. Gen. Adrienne Clarkson met privately with the victims and their families to discuss the settlement process as well as life at Grollier Hall.
Although apologies were offered, the members of the Grollier Hall Healing Circle know they have a long way to go.
For Tobac, he says this journey will involve forgiving himself. For McDonald, it will be about putting her family back together -- one piece at a time.
