Jennifer McPhee
Northern News Services

Yellowknife (Nov 21/01) - Caring for an elderly parent or disabled child can conjure up feelings of frustration, anger and guilt.

These emotions are natural, but need to be expressed so they don't overwhelm and control you, says Marguerite Vick, a trained nurse with 25 years experience working with the elderly.

Marguerite Vick is a trained nurse with 25 experience working with the elderly. - Jennifer McPhee/NNSL photo

Vick has planned a workshop to help caregivers deal with emotions, learn coping skills and rejuvenate.

Over the years, she has witnessed many family members become angry and frustrated. Many of them are part of the sandwich generation -- the sole caregiver of both elderly parents and growing children.

It leaves them with little time for themselves.

As a result, feelings of resentment build. Guilt over these feelings also builds. And, in many cases, all these emotions remain unexpressed.

"It's OK to say, 'I can't take this,'" says Vick. "Once we deal with something that is hurting us, it doesn't have the same control."

The workshop includes techniques for communicating with people suffering from dementia.

Vick explains elderly people often search for their parents. But telling them their parents are dead could trigger the grieving process all over again.

Then, the person will start to distrust the caregiver, turn inward, and let what is bothering them fester.

"That's why there are so many angry people in nursing homes," says Vick.

She recommends asking those with memory loss what their parents were like.

"What they are really doing is thinking about their parents," she says.

Vick explains that the part of the brain needed to answer these questions is still working. "It's a well-trodden path," she says.

Panel discussion

Julia Flumerfelt will speak to caregivers, as part of a panel discussion at the workshop. Her 19-year-old daughter has Down's syndrome and an anxiety disorder.

Flumerfelt compares the experience of raising a disabled child to the grief cycle. "When you go through grief, you have times of denial of acceptance, times where you are feeling OK and times when you think you won't survive," she says.

A medical problem or transition in her daughter's life can cause her to revolve through the cycle again.

"Professionals and caregivers should be aware of this. They shouldn't feel there is something abnormal about them, or that they are reacting inappropriately. It's all just natural."

The workshop takes place from Nov. 30 to Dec. 1 at Trapper's Lodge.