Dawn Ostrem
Northern News Services

Yellowknife (Oct 24/01) - There is a story to be told behind every placement of a classified ad.

For some, whose eyes meander across the columns, the section can be almost as fascinating as the bulk of the newspaper.

Yes, the imaginative among us can see that there is a story and often humour laced among the words that cost about 10 cents each, plus GST.

Take, for example, an ad placed by Morley Johnson. "To all the people I know," he writes. "I, Morley Johnson, give this notice. I have quit drinking! Wonders never stop. You are still welcome for coffee."

Who is this bold Morley Johnson? Will his friends still come around? Will Johnson's company, around a table of strong caffeine laden beverages, inspire the same captivating dialogue that a frothy mug might? And, will Johnson persevere?

Classifieds in the local paper provide ceaseless storybook wonders to the reader.

Someone wants to give away a chihuahua, accessories included. Why is it the tiny little canine, complete with leash, bowl, mat and collar needs a new home? Because once, not so long ago, a young single woman took in the pet that proved to be too much to handle. The pup howled when she was away and always needed a babysitter.

Imagine the drama as the Taco-Bell type dog scampered on the floors and yipped as the young woman tried to get out the door each day.

Someone also wanted a girl's parka, but preferably in purple or pink. Colour favouritism fanning fickle finds? Oooh! But, why?

Local volume dealers -- players of loud music -- were searching for an indy pop-minded drummer for "re-hearsals, gigs, beer drinking contests."

What about those requirements?

"The reason it was written that way is because we don't want people who are uptight to give us a call," explained co-placer-of-the-ad Jeff Coates.

There was a past experience with a band member who, although Coates admires his commitment, joined Alcoholics-Anonymous and no longer felt like he fit in with the partying rock band.

Ah, the classifieds. So you see? Mix a little reality and imagination and every ad could have a plotline.

Oh, and good luck to Morley Johnson, who said, "After 56 years I thought I better shut 'er down."