by P.J. Harston
Northern News Services
NNSL (Jan 31/97) - Every year across the North dozens of men, women and children suffer from the negative effects that accompany abandonment.
Simply put, abandonment is a feeling related to the breaking of ties or the breaking of a connection, such as a personal relationship.
It occurs when someone close leaves or doesn't pay you the attention you deserve. Private counsellor Terry Garchinski says people are abandoned in many ways.
There's death, natural or otherwise, parents or spouses who spend more time in the bar or at bingo than at home, a parent or spouse who leaves the home, abuse, violence in the home or even something as simple as being laid off - the company has abandoned you.
Andrea Markowski, another private counsellor, says abandonment is universal.
"There may have been a time when another family would look after abandoned children, especially. But now that we've moved to the nuclear family that's more mobile, we don't see that happening as much," she says.
Nevertheless, abandonment is a condition that can be overcome, and although the experiences that accompany abandonment will always remain, healing can limit the effect they have on one's life.
"It's never too late to start healing," says Garchinski.
"Nothing can take away the experience of abandonment, but the human condition can heal to enable the person affected to hurt less and accept what has happened, and, eventually, continue along a healthy path," says Markowski.
Part of that healing process involves developing trust in other human beings again.
Trust can even be redeveloped between a child and the parent who abandoned them.
"It has been my experience that parents do the best job they can at the time -- and some just can't be the kind of parent they want to be. You can't change the past, but you can do things differently in the future," says Markowski.
"You have to accept what wasn't there in the past, accept what the present offers you and make the best of it," says Garchinski.
While society -- through government agencies and concerned individuals -- has a basic responsibility to help those who suffer from abandonment, in the end only the individual who is suffering can heal him or herself.
"Depending on the age of the abandoned person, there are various resources that can be used to help foster that healing," says Garchinski. Those resources include:
"The absolute worst thing someone who is abandoned can do is keep their feeling bottled up inside," says Garchinski.
Young people often speak through their behavior, and the results of those feelings aren't always what we expect them to be.
"There's a broad spectrum of results -- anger, feelings of loneliness, sadness, depression, alienation -- we all have our own way of showing our feelings," he says.
Closeness fear
"Sometimes those feelings are dealt with through use of alcohol and drugs, even through violence. Sometimes there's a mistrust of authority, or an overall fear of getting too close to others."
Markowski says that we all suffer from abandonment to some degree -- we all have someone close to us die at some point in our lives.
Nevertheless, it's how we handle that loss that makes the biggest difference.
"Many people have access to friends and family members who can help them deal with abandonment in a healthy way," she says.
They agree that it's all about making choices -- making the right choice in dealing with feelings of abandonment can make all the difference in healing.
"But you have to be ready to heal, and sometimes that can take a long time," says Markowski.
"And sometimes you are ready right away," adds Garchinski.